The “skinny latte” trend.
I have had the same experience three times in the last two weeks. I’m waiting for my “Black Eye” (drip coffee with two shots of espresso), and I see the barista place a drink on the counter and then call out “skinny vanilla latte”. All three times the person who has walked over to pick up the drink—to my surprise—has been a “dude”.
I’m not trying to be an ass, and make fun of your particular drink of choice. I frankly don’t give a fuck if you drink a pink tea hibiscus unsweetened Refresher (Colm), that’s your business. The only reason this stands out to me, as a matter of fact, is because the first time I witnessed the skinny trend was when it caused my six-year-old daughter, Nona, to burst into laughter.
True story… She was waiting on her kid’s hot chocolate, and I was putting cream in my coffee. The barista called the “skinny latte”, and the dude next to Nona grabbed it like he was Carmelita Jeter grabbing the baton on the anchor leg of the 4X100m relay. Nona, reacting without filter (in an awesome kid moment), looked at the dude, then the barista, exclaimed “SKINNY!?”, then burst into laughter. The barista, realizing that a KID was making fun of this mufucka’, immediately burst into laughter himself (in an awesome barista moment). I, being the stoic disciplinarian I am, waited until dude huffed out, then burst into my own wave of laughter—just so Nona would know it’s not appropriate to make fun of adults to their face, only behind their backs (it’s called parenting, people).
I would have thought this was some sort of an aberration, or maybe the guy was taking a drink to his girl because he already had nine cups of the blackest, most bitter coffee on earth, and just couldn’t take another drop because his tongue was going to disintegrate. Then it happened again. And again. I am only left with one assumption—this is a full on phenomenon. Many, many “men” around the world are ordering this drink because they are trying to be…skinny?
Let me tell you how my father, Ed, drinks his coffee. He drinks it black; as black as the inside of the guy from Anthos’s soul (kidding of course). I can actually hear him calling me a pussy every time I put half and half in my coffee. This is a man who got a tattoo IN THE FOURTIES, rode an Indian motorcyle when it was new, fought in the Korean war, and to this day has never weighed more than 175 pounds. He’s in his eighties now, and still drinks approximately nineteen cups of coffee a day. He hates Starbucks, and any other “burnt, overpriced coffee”, because he can have Folgers at home for about $.05 a cup. He has stayed fit enough throughout his life that he once challenged me to a foot race, when I was a college basketball player, and he was IN HIS MID-SIXTIES. I wouldn’t race him.
If a six-year-old girl thinks your drink order is funny, you should probably re-think your drink order. At the very least you sound like a pussy, at worst you sound like an absolute fucking idiot. Why? Because there’s still 160 calories in your “skinny” drink. You might as well get half of a doughnut and have a black coffee—which has ZERO calories in it. At least you’ll be having some fun, and my little girl won’t laugh in your face.
Being a pussy is the new skinny.